Jacob's Song

I had one of those horrendous, "Oh my God! What do I do?" parenting moments a couple of weeks ago. I was lying in bed with Jacob and Keith as they were going to sleep. I always lay down with them. I get to hold them a while before they fall asleep. I also get to bless them. I do that everynight and every morning before they go to school, when they stay with me. (The blessing will be another blog.)
As, I was drifting off, the one song on the CD player was ending and another starting up. Calvin had made the CD earlier in the day on his PC. I kinda half listened in a dreamy state to the song. It was familiar, but I didn't know the words to it and I was more interested in the insides of my eyelids. After a few more moments of the song playing, Jacob stirred next to me and turned his head toward me and said, "That's my song. That's the song about me." I didn't understand what he meant, but I suddenly became much more interested it the song lyrics. I listened for a minute or two and felt this deep wave of sadness wash over me. The song was so awful. (Not in a bad way about the lyrics being filthy or the band sucky.) I am going to post a few lines from the song here, so that you understand what I heard.

Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more?

Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life.

I hurt so much inside after listening to that song, but I had to be strong for Jacob and not show it. I turned toward him and asked him about one of the lines. I asked him if he really hated the world. He hesitated and then replied softly no. I asked him what was wrong. I realized this was the first I had heard Jacob say anything like what I was hearing, it was very painful to think about. He started to say something and then stopped. I asked how he felt. He started to say something again. He said I feel... I finished it for him and said, different? He said yes. I knew I had to say something very profound at this moment to help him. I could tell this was one of those critical times in a child's life where they need much love, understanding and reassurance. I moved over to him and held him in my arms from behind and put my mouth near his ear and told him all about what being different was all about. I told him all the things I knew about being a unique individual in this world. I explained that God made each person on earth different from everyone else on earth for a reason. I told him it would be a very boring place if we were all alike. I told him to celebrate difference. I said things, that I can't even now, only two weeks later, remember. I know God put the perfect words in my mouth because one of his children was hurting inside and he needed to help. I remember that after I finished talking Jacob turned to face me and was wiping tears from his eyes. But, so was I. I hugged him long and tight and said I loved him very much and I felt myself begin to lose control. I release him and mumbled something about washing clothes for school tomorrow. I got up and left the room. I managed to make it downstairs before I burst into tears. I immediately jumped on the internet to find the lyrics for the song to read it for myself. I found the song on Calvin's PC and listened to it while I searched. I was crying the whole time. I found the lyrics and read them and just hung my head in shame and shock. I could not understand how a nine year old child could understand and identify with them. This was my sweet innocent child and now he was hurting inside. I had already realized that Jacob was like me. When I was young they call it "having a big heart." I knew life was going to be a little more difficult for him.
We "big hearted" people are a little more sensitive then other people. Some insecure idiots try to say that sensitive men are homosexual. Well, I can assure you of one thing. Not this man. I am 110 percent straight. I always will be. And none of my boys will be homosexuals either. They are going to be brought up by a real man and father who will show them that being a man does not mean you have to be a prick. A real man cries when he is in pain, emotionally. Physical pain is a different area. A real man can show emotion without fear. A real man knows that emotions are a very important part of life. You can't have exquisite ecstasy without tremendous sadness. So, when I feel tremendous sadness, I cry. But, when I feel exquisite ecstasy, oh baby!
I will never be able to think of that night or hear that song without breaking down. I talk more to Jacob when he is at my house. I ask him how he is doing and how he his feeling. I still get the same response I got before that night. Fine, Fine. But, I stay longer now and always hug him longer. I now make him look me in the eye before he walks away. I do this to make sure that he can see that I am here with him and love him. I also want him to know that someone else with a big heart knows exactly what he feels. I know that I will have to teach him a little differently than I his brothers, but then again, as I told him, he is different from his brothers.

Vive la Différence!!